Marketing 101 - How to saboutage it.

I can't remember how I got signed up with "Health Pride" - Hmm that's right I think, they sent me some unaddressed mail, care of Australia Post and it's junk mail for profit campaign.

And in order to get me on their lists, they pulled this con-artist, scratch all the boxes and you have won bullshit, scam, and in the very, very, very fine print, at the bottom inside corner of page 16 - was the tiny detail that you only win the money you have won, if the scratchy card thing's code, matches this one.

Well I sent that in and then found out about the conjob fine print game playing...

Then there was a complaint raised about the really fucking sleazy game playing aspect of it.

I also told them to take me off their mailing list, they got the official finger waggled at them and they were told to take me off their mailing list....

They did.

For 3 months they did, and then they started to do more direct mailing - addressed directly to me, every month or two, ever since....


And today another personally addressed mailer came in the mail again - another little catalogue of kind of crap - sort of an interesting mix of bottom dollar bullshit with staggering mark ups....

So I thought, "Hmmmmm Return to Sender? Hmmmmmmm - no, not enough punishment in that."

And I mulled it over and thought - "Yes I love a chat, and if I don't like you and am out to get you, I will be sweet, charming and utterly manipulative and I will fuck with your head and life, with the sole intent of crippling you and your shitty business..."

So I rang them - and expressed an interest in placing an order.....

It must have taken over an hour - and $700 or $800 worth of shit was lined up...

Apparently they get a lot of old people ringing up just for a chat..... LOL

Probably smart old people who hate junk mailers too....


I have had some complexly disturbing relationships - with interesting characters - like one old fellow, who would drive through red lights and into the middle of intersections - with me screaming, "Stop! Stop! Stop" - and have NO fucking idea of what was going on at all - and yet could calculate the exact weight of the cornflakes in a bowl, to the gram, just by looking at them....

So I figure that by spinning this in the cleverest way, I am getting FREE acting lessons, that they are paying for.

I had her totally convinced that I was a geriatric guy with his wife, and I was kind of senile and kind of totally on the ball, and I'd just wander off into all sorts of discussions and directions and I'd bring in all sorts of other info, about the little yellow fellows, the sons of Nippon, and during the great war in Burma...

The 101st battalion of the royal engineers, who made a rather splendid communal bath in Rangoon....

And religion and gay and lesbian politics and all sorts of bullshit from all over the place over every article I expressed an interest in buying.....

Smart as anything on some things, and as dumb as all fuck on others...

"Awww can I use the scratching post on me back?"

"It's for the cat?"

"Nooo I got me finger nails for that - I want one for me back - as that gets pretty itchy..."

Is it any good for scratching the cats back?

And so on and so forth.


So I figured that is a really great way to capitalise on their crap direct marketing.

Free coaching - at the online acting school via the phone.




One of the things they sold was a ceramic cooker - the typical Chinese ceramic handle / pot etc., ONLY by doing a fast calculation, it actually held about 470cc or two decent tea cups.. and they wanted $14 each, and $20 postage....

I am thinking per 50,000 units, these must cost about $1 - $2.50 each - at the most.

"Did you know that eating food cooked in vessels made by unchristian people, from devil worshipping countries, can actually defile your soul, the holy temple of the lord?"

Well clarifying that point, must have taken nearly 15 minutes.

If they are fine with pulling con-jobs to get me on their list and they didn't take me off their list when asked too -  While I could ring them up, every so often, systemically probe how many operators they do have, and then start to run up their costs, while I sit there filing my toe nails on the hands free phone, and ocassionally jacking off over the page 3 girls with the big tits from the 1977 edition of the Herald Scum.


It's no fun doing it all the time... too predictable, too easy.... perhaps every time they send me a catalogue - and then wind them up until 10 years later, they finally remove me from their lists after it costs them loads of money....



Speaking of cunts - there was a computer shop who I used to direct my business too, because they were initially very good - within their limitations.

But I racked up a pre-purchase of about $230 worth of power supply and mother board etc... and it was all totaled and finalised and when it came to pay for it, 3 weeks later when all the parts came in the con artist cunt, claimed that totalled up to $480.....

An all in one, cheap mother board $70, RAM $25, CPU $85, power supply $70 etc.. the bottom dollar basic PC internals - that sort of shit in that sort of price range....

Then he thinking that I am a bit simple / weak minded / easily confused / an attention span that fizzes out between ordering and purchasing / tried to lie and arm twist me into going along with him ripping me off.

 To some people, that may be grounds to grab their head and smash it through the counter....

"You thieving lying cunt." - Kerrrr-unch.

And others may just write them off as cunts and shop elsewhere - permanently.


I figure that since they are still on speed dial, that ringing them up occassionally, and asking if they have any USB powered things that could not possibly exist like 4 slice toasters, expresso coffee machines, photocopiers, pie warmers, electric kettles etc.,  and where can I get them from if they don't stock them, is a worthwhile time waster.

Finding out what they don't stock is a good thing, and by ringing them up to inquire about the brands they do carry and then after 10 minutes, diverting to the brands they don't have....  and then discussing the technical details at length.....

The comic relief moments between one significant issue and another.

 One more lost sale, one more loss per call, more overheads, more extra time on the job to make up for those losses, and more eroding moral......

LOL

It's not worth doing much of it really - but from time to time it's fun, to play the true dumb fuck customer, and try not to give the game away by laughing, and to rack up their costs....

"Hi do you have any windscreen wiper kits for computer monitors?

No? Oh......

What do they fill the squirters with? Is it water or some kind of special detergent for computer monitors?

You don't stock that either?

Do you know who does?

What computer monitor cleaners do you have?

Hand wipes?

Do you have an automatic wiper thing for the hand towels?

No?

Ohhh - can I just get a new monitor, instead of cleaning them?

Wow - what models do you have?  Really?

"How much do they cost?"

Relative technical details, prices, RRP and haggling and price matching, then switching to other incomplete sales and inquiries...

Etc., etc., etc...

It amounts to aimless market research - dragging out their time and losses.

Or if I am actually looking for new parts, I look on their website, and make technical inquiries, use their brains and expertise and go buy from someone else....

You see had they of racked up the parts in the order and stuck to that price on delivery - I would have been happy, they would have made a sale and a profit, and they would have had repeat purchases - but the cunts got greedy and stupid and basically doubled he price on base level components....

They got stuck with a heap of bottom spec parts, they lost a customer, they fucked up a sale and now they get used for market research, on their time, without pay, and no hope of ever making a sale ever, again.

But I can flex the brain muscle, manipulate the fuck out of them, and enjoy it....

It's fun - perhaps once every so often......




 Another master of the waffling on and shift jump shift technique.